The Oedipus Wanna Be
by ButterflyMouse
Summary: Nessie doesn't like homework. Lets face it, what kid does? Emmet decides to jazz up her studies with a little Greek Mythology, a long winded tale and some stuff about Jacob that really needed to be said.
1. Part One

**The Oedipus Wanna Be**

**Warning: It is essential that you are familiar with the tale of Oedipus if you wish to continue. It won't make sense otherwise. If you aren't and wish to read, the tale is available on Wikipedia, just type in 'Oedipus' and press search.  
**

**Disclaimer; The following belongs to Stephenie Meyer and the inhabitants of Ancient Greece.**

It was just an ordinary afternoon at the Cullen residence. Carlisle was at work and Esme was drawing up plans for the renovations to take place on their next home. Jasper occupied himself in his study while Alice and Rosalie planned their next shopping trip. Edward played the piano with Bella by his side. Jacob was in the dining room helping his imprint with her homework. He shook his head in admiration, only five years old and already in high school. Still, that was sort of to be expected from a half vampire who learned to read when she was just a few months old. Only one member was left bored and alone.

'Hey Nessssie!' called Emmett from the living room.

'What!?' she returned, but made no move to join him. He pouted.

' I challenge you to dual! You. Me. Super Mario Brothers. Now'

'Ok!' It actually sounded like fun. Nessie moved to the other room with Jacob in tow. Edward stopped playing. 'What?' Nessie's eyes were wide an innocent.

'Don't you think you should finish your homework first Nessie? -and don't pretend you already have'

The girl in question rolled her eyes 'Please Dad. I'm almost done, I just have to summarize one of the Greek Tragedies for English class. I could do it off the top of my head if I had to, it'll take like, five minutes. _Please._'

Edward glared. 'If it will only take five minutes, you might as well do it now Renes-'

All of a sudden both Edward and Alice snapped their heads toward Emmett who was looking at Nessie and Jacob with an evil glint in his eye. Edward shook his head and scowled in warning whilst Alice shook with laughter.

'Tell you what Nessie' Emmett began 'Hows about I give you a retelling of one of the tragedies and you can write your summary as we go?'

She groaned, but Emmett winked. 'Trust me, you haven't heard a tale like _this_ before'

'Ok' she agreed reluctantly, and went to grab a pen and paper. Emmett sat down regally in a large arm chair while, at a signal from Alice, the others gathered to sit cross legged at his feet. Nessie sat at the very front, pen and paper in hand.

Emmet cleared his throat and began. 'This, is the story of The Oedipus Wanna Be'

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'Once upon a time, there lived a young man who was the son of the Chief of a tribe on the west coast of America. Unfortunately, this young man was struck with a strange affliction, whenever he got angry he would begin to shake and transform into a wolf. During the transformation, he grew exceptionally larger and this would invariably cause his shoes to burst. Eventually, he ran out of shoes all together and had to go to school with bare feet.

In order to avoid suspicion, the boy's father wrote a note to the school saying that he was unable to wear shoes because he his feet were swollen as a result. He could walk fine, he just couldn't wear shoes. The teachers weren't happy, but they respected the Chief and allowed the boy to go bare foot without comment. The boys friends on the other hand, were not so forgiving. They teased him incessantly and gave him the name Oedipus meaning 'swollen foot' '

_Jacob growled menacingly and began to shake. Jasper sent out a wave of calm to sooth him, but otherwise the werewolf's outburst went ignored._

'Now, young Oedipus expected his life to go along the same as any other werewolf's. Patrolling, learning to control outbursts, killing vampires and generally stinking, but fate had other ideas. For a long time, he had been in love with one of the Pale Faces; a young girl who lived in a settlement not far from his home. She hated to be called by her full name and so, for the purposes of this story, we will refer to her as 'Jo' **(A/N: This is short for Jocasta, Oedipus's mother). **Unable to tell her of his affliction, Oedipus believed that he would have to cease all contact with Jo. Jo, however, was a stubborn bad-ass and she wasn't putting up with that. She guessed his secret and the two became closer than ever. To our young hero it seemed that he fell more in love with her every moment they spent together.

Jo, however, was in love with another. His name was Laius and was under an affliction of his own. He thought his presence was a danger to Jo and so he had left her for her protection. In doing so, he left her heart shattered into tiny pieces. Oedipus did his best to repair it, and to be fair he was doing quite well until something went very, very, wrong.

Far away, a prophetess foresaw the death of Jo, moments before it ought to have happened, but Oedipus's affliction interfered with her sight and the vision was false. Unaware of this, the most beautiful angel in all of heaven hurried to inform Laius of the tragedy. Shocked and heartbroken he could not believe it and tried to make contact with his beloved and ascertain the truth. But the course of true love never did run smooth. Due to a mix up, Laius instead found himself speaking with Oedipus, who knew nothing of the prophecy. Ignorant as he was, he unwittingly confirmed the death of Jo - even as the girl stood before him. Laius was unable to bear his grief and took actions to end his life.

Fortunately the prophetess, realizing her mistake and its repercussions, hurried to warn Jo and together they managed to prevent the vampire's suicide. Laius was shocked to find his beloved alive and vowed to never leave her again. The two love birds were happy once more, but things weren't quite so great for Oedipus. He had lost his love and almost caused the death of Laius...

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Emmett looked round at his family, all of whose mouths hung open with shock at the audacity of his retelling. Two faces stood out among the rest; Edward, who looked ashen with guilt; and Jacob, who looked like he was about to throttle Emmet. It was Bella, however, who broke the silence first.

'EMMETT! How could you!? How can you possibly be trying to blame _Jacob_ for what happened!?'

Emmett's eyes were wide and innocent 'Who me, Bella? I haven't said a thing about Jacob, I'm just retelling the story of Oedipus. Sure, I've bent a few of the facts here and there, but that's just to make the story work...'

Bella looked like she would say more, but Jasper sent another wave of calm around the room while Edward placed a hand on her knee. Instead of continuing the argument, she sat back and grimaced, trying not to think about what part of the story was coming next...'


	2. Part Two

Previously:_ Bella looked like she would say more, but Jasper sent another wave of calm around the room while Edward placed a hand on her knee. Instead of continuing the argument, she sat back and grimaced, trying not to think about what part of the story was coming next...'_

_***************************************  
_

' Unfortunately, Laius and Jo's carefree happiness was not to last. Just a few short months after their reunion a great battle was to be fought in a clearing near where they lived. Laius feared for Jo's safety and so, the night before the battle was to be fought, he enlisted Oedipus's help to hide her far away in the mountains. Swallowing their enmity, the two men worked together to protect the woman they both loved, but the weather had other ideas.

A mighty blizzard brew around the tent where they were hiding. Neither Laius nor Oedipus was bothered by the storm, their respective afflictions keeping them safe and healthy. Jo, on the other hand, had no such advantage. She was perfectly human, and perfectly vulnerable. Laius watched in agony as his betrothed slowly froze to death before his eyes, knowing that his own cold form could only make the situation worse. There was only one option for her survival, and Laius flinched instinctively away from it. Conversely, Oedipus was all too willing to carry it out.

Due to his affliction, Oedipus's body temperature constantly ran at over a hundred. He was the only warm thing for miles. Gallantly, he joined Jo in her sleeping bag and shared his warmth. Eventually, they both drifted off to sleep while Laius, a creature of the night, was forced to watch in silence as his fiance slept in the arms of another man. When the dawn came and the storm died around them, one thing was clear above all the others. Oedipus had slept with Jo. Kind of. Not the way he wanted to, but close enough. Ok, lets rephrase. Oedipus had _sort of _slept with Jo

***************************************

Never before had Bella been more pleased that her ability to blush had died with her humanity. Even as it was, her head was buried in her lap and her hair fell in a curtain around her, hiding any glimpse of her face. Edward tried to comfort her and glare at Emmett at the same time, but it just wasn't working. Eventually he gave up and settled for just stroking his wife's back. At least Jacob looked just as embarrassed.

But Renesmee....well, _she_ looked just plain mortified. She'd always known of course, but it had never really been put to her quite like _that _before.

As for everyone else, they were trying to hold back their laughter. And failing miserably I might add. Despite this, Esme tried to act as a parental authority.

'Emmett' she tried to growl between giggles. ' I think you might have gone a bit far this time. Mabey you should quit while your ahead,'

'Awww but Muuuum! Its nearly over, just sit tight while I finish the story pleaaaase...'

Considering that the story isn't over, I think we all know who won the argument.

_***************************************_

The battle was won, and life went on as usual – or, as usual as it can be when you live in a mythological story. Laius and Jo were married and went off on their honeymoon as happy as could be. Oedipus, meanwhile, went off to sulk. Thats right, you heard me. I said sulk. He'd heard that Laius had agreed to share his affliction with Jo and he wasn't happy. He didn't want her changed, he liked her the way she was. When the newly weds returned, he was armed and ready for revenge – willing to take on the entire family if necessary. Yet what he found shocked him out of his rage.

Jo was unchanged. Still human. Still completely alive. And very pregnant. He certainly hadn't expected _that_.

All was not well however, it was clear that Jo was unlikely to survive the pregnancy. Whether from the strain of carrying that life inside her or from the enemies who wished to kill that which she carried, it would end the same. In death.

Oedipus and Laius both loathed the thing she carried for what it was doing to her, how it was killing her. Yet still they protected it, for the death of it would mean the death of Jo, an outcome which neither could bear. Laius had a plan though. If they could just keep her heart beating, he could still transmit his affliction and keep her alive in _some_ form. Oedipus found he could no longer protest and gave his blessing to the change as his birth right allowed.

Not long after, Jo's placenta detached. The baby couldn't breathe and thrashed about as it suffocated. Jo coughed up a fountain of blood and her family heard every sickening crack as her bones were broken by the child. Laius and the angel performed a cesarean to get the child out, but soon the angel was forced to leave. Oedipus took over in assisting Laius and soon the child was born. Jo lived long enough to hold her child once before her heart gave out. It was Oedipus who kept it going, performing CPR and pumping the blood around her body in its place. The angel returned to take the baby girl while the men worked to keep her mother alive. All too soon Oedipus had seen more than he could take and he too had to leave. Laius was alone, desperately trying to keep his wife alive.

Oedipus walked down the stairs in complete depression. He had lost all hope that Jo would survive. As he reached the top of the stairs, he saw the angel once more, cooing over the new born. The angel turned and Oedipus saw Jo's child for the first time, and it was like he saw the light. Nothing in all the world mattered any more. Nothing but the child before him. He had imprinted. He loved her with all his soul.

And that's when he realized. He had almost killed her father. He had sort of slept with her mother. Further more, it was unheard of for imprints to refuse their werewolves. One day they would marry. Jo and Laius would be _his_ mother, _his_ father.

With a grimace he realized that his name was truly fitting. Almost. Sort of.

He wasn't Oedipus, just a plain old Oedipus Wanna Be.

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' and we all know what happens now, Jo survives, they play happy families and everyone lives happily ever after' finished Emmet.

Everyone looked at Renesmee, her paper was clean and untouched. There were still tear tracks on her cheeks from the earlier parts of this last installment of story, but now she was looking at Emmett like he was from another planet.

'Riiiiiight' she tried awkwardly 'Thanks for the story Uncle Emmett, but I don't think I can give that version to my teacher. I guess the moral is to just to finish my homework without complaint right?'

Emmett pouted, but Renesmee didn't see – she'd already fled the room. Moments later, the rest of the family had followed suit.

'Well _excuse__ me_.' he whined before turning to set up his X-Box, all thoughts of the story forgotten.

* * *

So, what did you think? I'd like to apologize to all members of Team Jacob. I'm sorry, I have nothing against him, but that really needed to be said. At any rate, I value _all_ your opinions highly, so please review.


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